Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Morphine eyes

5:30 A.M. And I get a call from Stephen.
Bri is on her way to the hospital. She's having the baby.
He says no rush. And I'm not even sure if my job will take "my best friend just went into labor" as a valid excuse.
I conclude.
Fuck 'em. This is the reason I stayed in Tennessee and they can kiss my ass. I'm out of this house in 10 min. At the Hospital in 5. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. They approved the epidural, induced, and we waited.
And waited
And waited
And waited
And Holy effing cow where's the baby??

Well of course the meds slow the process. -_-

I was nervous as all Hell. I paced the hospital when I was restless. Ate crap. And the only thing I had to calm my nerves was one of the most depressing books I've ever read. (Based on a true story to top it)
I took whatever chance I could to be in there with her but even then I felt so helpless. I could only hope that my presence was comforting. And the attempted foot rub.

At one point I was so frustrated I had to leave to drive around. It was mood swing mania in my body. My chest even started hurting.
I was tired

Then it was proclaimed

Simon Vincent Slate had been born 6:06 p.m.

I went into the room and as soon as I could I hugged her. I hugged her and I didn't want to let her go. I was so proud of her.

And I cried. She smiled and said it was ok for me to cry. And I hugged her again.

When Stephen put him into my arms I looked into his eyes and all my anxiety, fatigue, worries...just disappeared. He started darting them around and grasping at the receiving blanket. I suddenly felt like nothing else mattered but the happiness that was building inside me.

Simon. The day you were born it rained. I love the rain. And when I came home and went out onto my back porch, everything was Beautiful. The air was fresh, crisp, and cool. And I cried again.

Then proceeded into my house and jumped and screamed. :D That's the most positive emotion I've shown in years. And the first time since my Baby brother was born that the reason for my tears was a happy one. One of the best reasons a human being can have.

I'm going to spoil you rotten.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I know I'm a joke, do you? ok I lie I'm just ranting again.

I know there are things in my life I can’t control. But often enough I use that as an excuse to mask the things I know I can.
What is it? Fear of course. I’m an honest coward when it comes to living. Oh, but why is it that I’m un-afraid when it comes time to speak my mind?
Because it keeps the people at bay, and lets me continue with my farce existence I call my life.
Unless, of course, you’re into Pessimistic Bitches then by all means argue back at me or stalk me. Sadly I know a few that are and do. Not in any way bad people, I just feel sorry for them and know they deserve better.
I can’t change so easily because a sad fact would be that this IS what I’ve changed into. Ask anyone who knew me 2 years ago. Man I wouldn’t even stand up for myself.
I went from being worried(to a point of paranoia) about what people think to making sure people know what I think.
This is one of those things I know I can control but chalk it up to the way things are. I don’t think about it I just let it out and immediately afterwards regret it. I know it’s not impressive to be hard-headed. But I have too much pride to admit I’m wrong.
Hell can you blame me? Majority of the time, whoever you were arguing with will throw it in your face if you admit you’re wrong. Sorry but “I told you so, I told you so” Isn’t impressive either people. And it doesn’t make you any better than me.
Anyway, sorry I can be such a hag but the cute little meek me was shot in the face (I won’t list names here) so I’ll never be able to bring her back to those who miss her. But maybe I can at least learn to keep my mouth shut. It’s going to be hard.
That whole “you see it in yourself so you hate it in others” thing is totally true. I Hate it when I see other people use helplessness as an excuse.
Zen says to see things as they are. That doesn’t mean what it is has been written in stone. It means to realize it for what it is and not try to convey it as something else. Don’t put yourself in an illusion. You don’t have to fix it, just don’t try to mask it or re-label it just to make it acceptable.
Admit that you don’t really want to change instead of saying you can’t. You can attain Anything with dedication.
Cute little meek me, was an illusion. An illusion that became a cage for everything I refused to express. And when it was broken you were left with what I am now, a monster of my own creation.
Putting my own words to heart, sure I can go back to cute and meek if I really tried. But I would be reverting back to completely bottling myself up instead of only masking my heart. (not to mention she’d be a zombie O_O she was shot in the face after all) Why do I try for the heartless image?
I Honestly have NO idea. No joke.
I worry like Hell about the people around me even if it doesn’t seem like it at times. Might be that pride playing in, or the fear.

Hahahahaha a lot of the time I see someone sitting around scowling I want to bitch slap them and ask. “What’s so fucking awful??”
But I can’t because they might say something like, “My sister just died.” And I feel like a Dick. Or a hypocryte because I do the same thing.

Ahem side note, I am and always will be
A Smart Ass.

So, all you out there who act to get attention, or act to divert it, there are people like me who are exactly like you and that enables us to see through it. BTW you look like an Ass.
Difference. I see how retarded it is and it makes me want to make it better. And I admit it. No, this doesn’t make me better or superior in any way, don’t think I believe that for one second.
It seems to be a common assumption by people that just because there’s a difference in something it has to be either negative or positive. Hello, there IS such thing as neutral.
For once, Knowing is half the battle.

On a happier note I had a very nice 4th weekend. Not too busy but not too bleh. I got to taste what I now dub "Pussy beer"
I apologize but when I go from downing a Killians to Blue ribbon....yeah. Still love you guys though. :D
Got to see Wanted. Freaking fantastic. Reccomend it.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT posting this so you guys can tell me how great I really am and not to be down on myself. None of that fishing for compliments crap. I'm not down on myself. Just stating facts. I'm a perfectly happy person. >.>
your views and opinions however are considered, mean something and are greatly appreciated.