Discontent

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Re-introduction to my mumblings

So might start this back up again. Nothing has changed really, but I will just recap on something about myself.

I never really have much to talk about. And everything in the world to think about. But it's always been tiring to find someone who will listen, without meeting me halfway with my own sarcasm. My realist, if not skewed, perceptions are my own. And probably, often wrong.

See I'm trying to sound smart here. But to be honest I just think way too much and take things way to literally! That about sums it up. And people don't want to hear things as they are. They don't want my "well it is what it is" talk. They want me to just listen to them talk, and nod.
Not put in my 2 cents that often starts off with "well..actually it's..."
My mom calls me Spock. And my brother. Lovingly of course.
She came over to my apartment once while I was sleeping, and said something to me to wake me up.
Apparently, even in my sleep I corrected her. Because I don't remember saying anything.
How sad is that?
Added to my normally misunderstood dry humor, I've resumed being something of a loner.
Nothing people do makes any sense to me, and it's frustrating.
If he hits you, why don't you leave?
If they hate you, why are you so desperate not to be lonely that you still are friends with them?
If it hurts to poke yourself in the eye, why do you keep doing it?
If dwelling on what happened hurts, then stop dwelling. it happened and making it hurt more wont change anything.
Stop pushing your insecurities on him, its just a woman in a commercial. Hes not making out with her on the couch.

It is what it is. The present is the present. Im sure there are Reasons for why these things happen. But reasons dont explain the Why of it all when you get down to it.
Like I said, I get frustrated. And I've become severely uninterested in understanding it. I just don't really care to know or tell anymore unless youre someone im VERY close to. Most of the time I speak when spoken to. But not always.

When I get back to work on monday, someone will ask, "so how was your weekend?"
And my usual reply is"weekend-like" which the smart individual will take the hint. But they often dont. So they continue.
"Ah, thats it? Do anything interesting?"
"Not really" I lie of course. Because I'm hoping theyll go away. They don't
"Well I had a wierd day on saturday.."
"I bet you did" is my reply, becuase I recognize when someone is baiting me to ask about something. And my spiteful nature purposefully does not want to ask.

You know it and I know it. When you know what to look for, its not hard to tell when someone it talking to you because they just want attention, and when they actually need you to listen.
And trust me, no matter how closed I may seem to you right now, if it's the latter I will be there for you.
I will try my best to help you out and listen.
I'm not heartless, I just dont like to pointlessly socialize.
And people, in general, just LOVE to pointlessly socialize.

Regardless of all of this, however, I will bend over backwards to help someone I barely know before I'll help myself. And I'm always willing to make a new friend. I like Interesting, real people that wont cut me off mid speech to tell me how much of a bitch their sister was the other day.
I dont talk often, but when I do I TALK. And flail my arms if I'm excited about my story.
You see, I dont even make sense to myself.

So welcome back to my blog.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Morphine eyes

5:30 A.M. And I get a call from Stephen.
Bri is on her way to the hospital. She's having the baby.
He says no rush. And I'm not even sure if my job will take "my best friend just went into labor" as a valid excuse.
I conclude.
Fuck 'em. This is the reason I stayed in Tennessee and they can kiss my ass. I'm out of this house in 10 min. At the Hospital in 5. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. They approved the epidural, induced, and we waited.
And waited
And waited
And waited
And Holy effing cow where's the baby??

Well of course the meds slow the process. -_-

I was nervous as all Hell. I paced the hospital when I was restless. Ate crap. And the only thing I had to calm my nerves was one of the most depressing books I've ever read. (Based on a true story to top it)
I took whatever chance I could to be in there with her but even then I felt so helpless. I could only hope that my presence was comforting. And the attempted foot rub.

At one point I was so frustrated I had to leave to drive around. It was mood swing mania in my body. My chest even started hurting.
I was tired
Dirty
Angry
Happy
nervous
uncomfortable
Worried

Then it was proclaimed

Simon Vincent Slate had been born 6:06 p.m.

I went into the room and as soon as I could I hugged her. I hugged her and I didn't want to let her go. I was so proud of her.

And I cried. She smiled and said it was ok for me to cry. And I hugged her again.

When Stephen put him into my arms I looked into his eyes and all my anxiety, fatigue, worries...just disappeared. He started darting them around and grasping at the receiving blanket. I suddenly felt like nothing else mattered but the happiness that was building inside me.

Simon. The day you were born it rained. I love the rain. And when I came home and went out onto my back porch, everything was Beautiful. The air was fresh, crisp, and cool. And I cried again.

Then proceeded into my house and jumped and screamed. :D That's the most positive emotion I've shown in years. And the first time since my Baby brother was born that the reason for my tears was a happy one. One of the best reasons a human being can have.

I'm going to spoil you rotten.

I know I'm a joke, do you? ok I lie I'm just ranting again.

I know there are things in my life I can’t control. But often enough I use that as an excuse to mask the things I know I can.
What is it? Fear of course. I’m an honest coward when it comes to living. Oh, but why is it that I’m un-afraid when it comes time to speak my mind?
Because it keeps the people at bay, and lets me continue with my farce existence I call my life.
Unless, of course, you’re into Pessimistic Bitches then by all means argue back at me or stalk me. Sadly I know a few that are and do. Not in any way bad people, I just feel sorry for them and know they deserve better.
I can’t change so easily because a sad fact would be that this IS what I’ve changed into. Ask anyone who knew me 2 years ago. Man I wouldn’t even stand up for myself.
I went from being worried(to a point of paranoia) about what people think to making sure people know what I think.
This is one of those things I know I can control but chalk it up to the way things are. I don’t think about it I just let it out and immediately afterwards regret it. I know it’s not impressive to be hard-headed. But I have too much pride to admit I’m wrong.
Hell can you blame me? Majority of the time, whoever you were arguing with will throw it in your face if you admit you’re wrong. Sorry but “I told you so, I told you so” Isn’t impressive either people. And it doesn’t make you any better than me.
Anyway, sorry I can be such a hag but the cute little meek me was shot in the face (I won’t list names here) so I’ll never be able to bring her back to those who miss her. But maybe I can at least learn to keep my mouth shut. It’s going to be hard.
That whole “you see it in yourself so you hate it in others” thing is totally true. I Hate it when I see other people use helplessness as an excuse.
Zen says to see things as they are. That doesn’t mean what it is has been written in stone. It means to realize it for what it is and not try to convey it as something else. Don’t put yourself in an illusion. You don’t have to fix it, just don’t try to mask it or re-label it just to make it acceptable.
Admit that you don’t really want to change instead of saying you can’t. You can attain Anything with dedication.
Cute little meek me, was an illusion. An illusion that became a cage for everything I refused to express. And when it was broken you were left with what I am now, a monster of my own creation.
Putting my own words to heart, sure I can go back to cute and meek if I really tried. But I would be reverting back to completely bottling myself up instead of only masking my heart. (not to mention she’d be a zombie O_O she was shot in the face after all) Why do I try for the heartless image?
I Honestly have NO idea. No joke.
I worry like Hell about the people around me even if it doesn’t seem like it at times. Might be that pride playing in, or the fear.

Hahahahaha a lot of the time I see someone sitting around scowling I want to bitch slap them and ask. “What’s so fucking awful??”
But I can’t because they might say something like, “My sister just died.” And I feel like a Dick. Or a hypocryte because I do the same thing.

Ahem side note, I am and always will be
A Smart Ass.

So, all you out there who act to get attention, or act to divert it, there are people like me who are exactly like you and that enables us to see through it. BTW you look like an Ass.
Difference. I see how retarded it is and it makes me want to make it better. And I admit it. No, this doesn’t make me better or superior in any way, don’t think I believe that for one second.
It seems to be a common assumption by people that just because there’s a difference in something it has to be either negative or positive. Hello, there IS such thing as neutral.
For once, Knowing is half the battle.

On a happier note I had a very nice 4th weekend. Not too busy but not too bleh. I got to taste what I now dub "Pussy beer"
I apologize but when I go from downing a Killians to Blue ribbon....yeah. Still love you guys though. :D
Got to see Wanted. Freaking fantastic. Reccomend it.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT posting this so you guys can tell me how great I really am and not to be down on myself. None of that fishing for compliments crap. I'm not down on myself. Just stating facts. I'm a perfectly happy person. >.>
your views and opinions however are considered, mean something and are greatly appreciated.

Delinquents and a minty fresh ass

I wasn't going to go. When Justin backed out on being the ride i wasn't up for driving in Nashville or being surrounded by drunk smelly rednecks. But then Heather is crushed to hear, because she already bought her ticket.

Damn.

At least we made it there ok. Because, honestly, Heather was in the passenger seat to tell me where to go. XD

I was having a lot of fun jumping around and singing along to millions of peaches, until aaall the drunk ass immature and fabulous residents of Tennessee started throwing their beer bottles all over the place. Most of them landing on the stage.

Holy moses it was raining beer.

I bet all the alcoholics where rejoicing. I was more like, " GD it!!"
Sorry I personally don't like being showered in Beer O.o Plus twice i was hit in the head. All this added to the fact that as soon as Newfound Glory was about to play it was so packed you couldn't hardly raise your arms.

By this time I was very much not having fun. But Heather was my responsibility so i stuck with her.

oh man. But here's where it's gets better. This guy starts talking to my sister and as soon as she tells him she's 17...Schwoop he slides to me. I'm being nice and replying and smiling and nodding trying to listen to the band. He's standing there telling me his life story and how nice i am and how i don't look like i weigh over 100 lbs. -_-

Then Tpayne gets on the stage. O goodie. I'm in love with a stripper playing while im in a packed crowd and there's a lonely and apparently horny guy pressed up behind me. I had to elbow him twice because he kept putting his hands on my hips and trying to grind with me. So now here I am in TWO of my most unfavorable situations. Tight spaces, and unwelcome touching. Oh BTW at this time 4 hours later it was still raining beer. I think every band that went up wanted to Kick Tennessee's ever loving ass.

I'm about to freak out so i tell heather that i seriously need to get out of there. She says she'll be fine and that she'll text me after every song to let me know she's ok. I agree and begin my attempt to get through the mass of sweat, beer, and half covered titties. The guy follows me!!

Faster Ana faster! I did what i call crowd diving. Use your imagination. Aaaand i lost him. Thank heavens i didn't see him for the rest of the night. Beat and aggravated I sat against a hill and laid back until the last band was done playing. Sit up and scratch my butt...why is there a card stuck to my pants..Mother$%&#*

I got off as much of the gum as i could, but I'm telling you it didn't help my mood any.

Heather and I decide to go to steak n shake in Antioch. We get there and she informs me her friend is going to meet us there. I figure why not.

Oh but he doesn't come alone. He brings 3 other friends with him. so I'm tired, grumpy, dirty, smelly, wanting to just go home, and I'm sitting in steak n shake watching 4 teen boys act like ass' and my sister take it. Check please.
One of them even suckered her into paying for his shake. I can't believe she did that.

I was so glad to get home and drop into bed T_T It was 1 am by this time.

No excitement for a while thanks guys. You might not see me for a long time.

I'm having one of the question the universe days

I'm no Monk nor am I a scholar, but I do my best to keep true to the extent of my intelligence. However, it is only my definition of intelligence that may present an issue. Can it be measurement of one's knowledge or common sense? Some may say wisdom. But what is wisdom but knowledge with understanding of that knowledge that only once realized is understood? Could intelligence simply be one's lack of ignorance added to having an open and analytical frame of mind? The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge and the faculty of thought and reason?
This is just one of the many pressing questions in my mind that I voice to create new questions in others. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing the concept and cosmos, but at least I'm not fazing out in front of the idiot box or out riding a hippie.

Through zeal knowledge is gotten, through lack of zeal knowledge is Lost. Right?

I'm cynical and literal and have quite recently become bitter to a point where nothing bothers me anymore. Anyone who has a problem with me can shove it up their flaccid assholes and suck monkey for all I care. I know I'm not perfect; neither are you so shut it.

I don't believe in fate, luck, or destiny. They're just objects people use as a fallout when they need something to blame or thank for the good/bad things that happen to them. Sorry people, but the sad fact is when shit hits the fan...it's only a reaction to a choice you've made, your lifestyle, or the people you surround yourself with. Let's not forget the fact that this world is in itself a big steaming pile of crap and even good people trip and get thrown face first into it.

I do however to believe in Karma to some extent. Because it is a fact that everything you do, good or bad, will in some way come back to you. Even if it's only in the form of a prosperous life, or personal demons. It's ok. You're not crazy. There's just a small chance you have a conscience.

But I digress.

Every truth, and every cleverly fabricated lie has stemmed from the human mind. I'm sure no other species in this known world gives a crap on the mating rituals of the Bat, or how a religious icon created the universe. Isn't it odd to you that everything we know is a conclusion created by us? How do we really know that What we know is an indisputable truth?

Hell, we can't even be sure of the things we Can control or predict. In the long run, nothing can be fully controlled or predicted. Or known.

So, we come up with the best conclusion we can? This is wrong, and this is right. This is how you should be, and this is how you shouldn't be. This is how the world was created....And this, is the Mating ritual of the Fruit Bat

If Zazen were Campelle's soup

Most of you know me well enough to know I'm big on just sitting back and observing. This was a really good time to do that. Weekend trip to Atlanta for The Sesshin. With All of the smart and profound-like people I love so much, my fellow Buddhists. Zazen from Concentrate hahahaha.

I couldn't help but notice how repetitive everything is. During Darhma Talk and Tea everyone was saying the same thing over and over just in prettier words and different forms. It was saved by the randomly thrown-in humor courtesy of Brad and most often Mike Ellis. I'm not saying none of it was true or that any of it was meaningless. I just wonder if any of them realized that they may have sounded pensive but were in actuality just sub-consciously parroting what had just been said to them.

Had I been in Brad's or Mike's spot, I think I would have been perturbed that their repetition was causing me to be repetitive in return. Personally I hate repeating myself.

I think a Sesshin must be one of the easiest things to plan. You're not supposed to do anything but talk(rarely), eat, sleep, and sit. There's something very intriguing in that simplicity. And I make zazen sound easy to do. Hahahahahaha

It's so not.

Somewhere in there the tension in my shoulders caused something to happen to my windpipe and it felt like someone was choking me. I could breathe, but the pain that would accompany such a dilemma is what I'm talking about. My Ass hurts, my knees, my hips, and my back....But you get used to it, and it's all worth it. In this concentrated meditation you have this uninterrupted time to put everything into focus, dwell on it, and let it go. Which is something you don't get when going through daily life. Always being plagued by what's in front of us at the time.

One lesson that seemed to confront me in many forms this weekend is that nothing can be non-existent without existing in the first place. I.E.Without the existence of noise, there would be no silence. It's thanks to Zazen that I understand that age old question, "if a tree fell in a forest and no one was there to hear it fall, did it make any noise?" Regardless of how banal it is.

Anyway. There was a special guest. One Mr. Brad Warner Pictured in my slideshow on my Myspace Page, actually. An interesting character to observe I can tell you. One of those people I can look at for the first time and know something is bothering them and it's obvious only because they're trying not to be obvious. He gives himself little credit and doesn't fight to be heard. One example I can give is at the goodbye lunch. In a conversation he'd be about to say something and another would interrupt him. That defeated/acceptance expression steals over his face and in a split second he shrugs it off and turns to the other group, where he is immediately accepted into whatever plethora they're separately discussing. I can picture, however, that little person in his head that's screaming "WTF?? Rude much?" The looks and expressions that flutter over his face and behind his eyes when he thinks no one is looking...that mind must be a time bomb. Could be good or bad. We'll see.

I don't want to sound creepy or stalker-ish. Honestly. But i really wish I could have had more time to study him. After this though, I may just go and read his books again. I know that, for me at least, there are thoughts and ways of speaking I can put on paper easier than I can express or utter them.

So....*cough* on the way home...We were stuck on the highway, motionless, for quite some time...maybe moving a few feet every once and a while. I noticed there's a Chick-a-fillet headquarters down there, interesting. I took a lot of "lookie I'm bored" pictures if you can't tell from the slide show. After we got moving I sat in the back for a bit with my arm up just pushing the picture button. That's how I got the whoo hoo pic.