Monday, July 7, 2008

I know I'm a joke, do you? ok I lie I'm just ranting again.

I know there are things in my life I can’t control. But often enough I use that as an excuse to mask the things I know I can.
What is it? Fear of course. I’m an honest coward when it comes to living. Oh, but why is it that I’m un-afraid when it comes time to speak my mind?
Because it keeps the people at bay, and lets me continue with my farce existence I call my life.
Unless, of course, you’re into Pessimistic Bitches then by all means argue back at me or stalk me. Sadly I know a few that are and do. Not in any way bad people, I just feel sorry for them and know they deserve better.
I can’t change so easily because a sad fact would be that this IS what I’ve changed into. Ask anyone who knew me 2 years ago. Man I wouldn’t even stand up for myself.
I went from being worried(to a point of paranoia) about what people think to making sure people know what I think.
This is one of those things I know I can control but chalk it up to the way things are. I don’t think about it I just let it out and immediately afterwards regret it. I know it’s not impressive to be hard-headed. But I have too much pride to admit I’m wrong.
Hell can you blame me? Majority of the time, whoever you were arguing with will throw it in your face if you admit you’re wrong. Sorry but “I told you so, I told you so” Isn’t impressive either people. And it doesn’t make you any better than me.
Anyway, sorry I can be such a hag but the cute little meek me was shot in the face (I won’t list names here) so I’ll never be able to bring her back to those who miss her. But maybe I can at least learn to keep my mouth shut. It’s going to be hard.
That whole “you see it in yourself so you hate it in others” thing is totally true. I Hate it when I see other people use helplessness as an excuse.
Zen says to see things as they are. That doesn’t mean what it is has been written in stone. It means to realize it for what it is and not try to convey it as something else. Don’t put yourself in an illusion. You don’t have to fix it, just don’t try to mask it or re-label it just to make it acceptable.
Admit that you don’t really want to change instead of saying you can’t. You can attain Anything with dedication.
Cute little meek me, was an illusion. An illusion that became a cage for everything I refused to express. And when it was broken you were left with what I am now, a monster of my own creation.
Putting my own words to heart, sure I can go back to cute and meek if I really tried. But I would be reverting back to completely bottling myself up instead of only masking my heart. (not to mention she’d be a zombie O_O she was shot in the face after all) Why do I try for the heartless image?
I Honestly have NO idea. No joke.
I worry like Hell about the people around me even if it doesn’t seem like it at times. Might be that pride playing in, or the fear.

Hahahahaha a lot of the time I see someone sitting around scowling I want to bitch slap them and ask. “What’s so fucking awful??”
But I can’t because they might say something like, “My sister just died.” And I feel like a Dick. Or a hypocryte because I do the same thing.

Ahem side note, I am and always will be
A Smart Ass.

So, all you out there who act to get attention, or act to divert it, there are people like me who are exactly like you and that enables us to see through it. BTW you look like an Ass.
Difference. I see how retarded it is and it makes me want to make it better. And I admit it. No, this doesn’t make me better or superior in any way, don’t think I believe that for one second.
It seems to be a common assumption by people that just because there’s a difference in something it has to be either negative or positive. Hello, there IS such thing as neutral.
For once, Knowing is half the battle.

On a happier note I had a very nice 4th weekend. Not too busy but not too bleh. I got to taste what I now dub "Pussy beer"
I apologize but when I go from downing a Killians to Blue ribbon....yeah. Still love you guys though. :D
Got to see Wanted. Freaking fantastic. Reccomend it.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT posting this so you guys can tell me how great I really am and not to be down on myself. None of that fishing for compliments crap. I'm not down on myself. Just stating facts. I'm a perfectly happy person. >.>
your views and opinions however are considered, mean something and are greatly appreciated.


Anonymous said...

Rock on. It usually takes us forever to see we need a change. Not trying to sound all-knowing and crap; just agreeing with you. I've had that problem, too.

So, more power to ya.

Kozan Bob said...

I'd rather have PBR than Killian's any day.

Otherwise: It just sounds to me like you've made a healthy change. You know I subscribe to Hunter Thompson's Never Apologize, Never Explain axiom, though I break it a lot (sort of like the other precepts). You know that I'll say just about anything to anyone; and yeah, it costs you the friendship and admiration of people you wouldn't want around, anyway. But after time, people come to love you for it. Or at least that's what they tell you; I'll live with it.

Since the period of time you mention roughly corresponds to how long I've known you, I'd say some of what you've noticed -- as well as the fact that you have noticed it -- could be from your zazen practice, etc. On the other hand, in my own life I can't tell if it's from practice or just maturing. And yes, you're still maturing at my age. Heeheehee.

So, I'm really delighted. I really enjoy it when you speak out, whether I agree with you or not. Because you're becoming someone who's going to be really important to a whole lot of people, whether you can see it now or not, so you better get used to taking flak for being right.

And in about three months I'll work on improving your taste in beers.