Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Morphine eyes

5:30 A.M. And I get a call from Stephen.
Bri is on her way to the hospital. She's having the baby.
He says no rush. And I'm not even sure if my job will take "my best friend just went into labor" as a valid excuse.
I conclude.
Fuck 'em. This is the reason I stayed in Tennessee and they can kiss my ass. I'm out of this house in 10 min. At the Hospital in 5. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. They approved the epidural, induced, and we waited.
And waited
And waited
And waited
And Holy effing cow where's the baby??

Well of course the meds slow the process. -_-

I was nervous as all Hell. I paced the hospital when I was restless. Ate crap. And the only thing I had to calm my nerves was one of the most depressing books I've ever read. (Based on a true story to top it)
I took whatever chance I could to be in there with her but even then I felt so helpless. I could only hope that my presence was comforting. And the attempted foot rub.

At one point I was so frustrated I had to leave to drive around. It was mood swing mania in my body. My chest even started hurting.
I was tired

Then it was proclaimed

Simon Vincent Slate had been born 6:06 p.m.

I went into the room and as soon as I could I hugged her. I hugged her and I didn't want to let her go. I was so proud of her.

And I cried. She smiled and said it was ok for me to cry. And I hugged her again.

When Stephen put him into my arms I looked into his eyes and all my anxiety, fatigue, worries...just disappeared. He started darting them around and grasping at the receiving blanket. I suddenly felt like nothing else mattered but the happiness that was building inside me.

Simon. The day you were born it rained. I love the rain. And when I came home and went out onto my back porch, everything was Beautiful. The air was fresh, crisp, and cool. And I cried again.

Then proceeded into my house and jumped and screamed. :D That's the most positive emotion I've shown in years. And the first time since my Baby brother was born that the reason for my tears was a happy one. One of the best reasons a human being can have.

I'm going to spoil you rotten.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I know I'm a joke, do you? ok I lie I'm just ranting again.

I know there are things in my life I can’t control. But often enough I use that as an excuse to mask the things I know I can.
What is it? Fear of course. I’m an honest coward when it comes to living. Oh, but why is it that I’m un-afraid when it comes time to speak my mind?
Because it keeps the people at bay, and lets me continue with my farce existence I call my life.
Unless, of course, you’re into Pessimistic Bitches then by all means argue back at me or stalk me. Sadly I know a few that are and do. Not in any way bad people, I just feel sorry for them and know they deserve better.
I can’t change so easily because a sad fact would be that this IS what I’ve changed into. Ask anyone who knew me 2 years ago. Man I wouldn’t even stand up for myself.
I went from being worried(to a point of paranoia) about what people think to making sure people know what I think.
This is one of those things I know I can control but chalk it up to the way things are. I don’t think about it I just let it out and immediately afterwards regret it. I know it’s not impressive to be hard-headed. But I have too much pride to admit I’m wrong.
Hell can you blame me? Majority of the time, whoever you were arguing with will throw it in your face if you admit you’re wrong. Sorry but “I told you so, I told you so” Isn’t impressive either people. And it doesn’t make you any better than me.
Anyway, sorry I can be such a hag but the cute little meek me was shot in the face (I won’t list names here) so I’ll never be able to bring her back to those who miss her. But maybe I can at least learn to keep my mouth shut. It’s going to be hard.
That whole “you see it in yourself so you hate it in others” thing is totally true. I Hate it when I see other people use helplessness as an excuse.
Zen says to see things as they are. That doesn’t mean what it is has been written in stone. It means to realize it for what it is and not try to convey it as something else. Don’t put yourself in an illusion. You don’t have to fix it, just don’t try to mask it or re-label it just to make it acceptable.
Admit that you don’t really want to change instead of saying you can’t. You can attain Anything with dedication.
Cute little meek me, was an illusion. An illusion that became a cage for everything I refused to express. And when it was broken you were left with what I am now, a monster of my own creation.
Putting my own words to heart, sure I can go back to cute and meek if I really tried. But I would be reverting back to completely bottling myself up instead of only masking my heart. (not to mention she’d be a zombie O_O she was shot in the face after all) Why do I try for the heartless image?
I Honestly have NO idea. No joke.
I worry like Hell about the people around me even if it doesn’t seem like it at times. Might be that pride playing in, or the fear.

Hahahahaha a lot of the time I see someone sitting around scowling I want to bitch slap them and ask. “What’s so fucking awful??”
But I can’t because they might say something like, “My sister just died.” And I feel like a Dick. Or a hypocryte because I do the same thing.

Ahem side note, I am and always will be
A Smart Ass.

So, all you out there who act to get attention, or act to divert it, there are people like me who are exactly like you and that enables us to see through it. BTW you look like an Ass.
Difference. I see how retarded it is and it makes me want to make it better. And I admit it. No, this doesn’t make me better or superior in any way, don’t think I believe that for one second.
It seems to be a common assumption by people that just because there’s a difference in something it has to be either negative or positive. Hello, there IS such thing as neutral.
For once, Knowing is half the battle.

On a happier note I had a very nice 4th weekend. Not too busy but not too bleh. I got to taste what I now dub "Pussy beer"
I apologize but when I go from downing a Killians to Blue ribbon....yeah. Still love you guys though. :D
Got to see Wanted. Freaking fantastic. Reccomend it.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT posting this so you guys can tell me how great I really am and not to be down on myself. None of that fishing for compliments crap. I'm not down on myself. Just stating facts. I'm a perfectly happy person. >.>
your views and opinions however are considered, mean something and are greatly appreciated.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Delinquents and a minty fresh ass

I wasn't going to go. When Justin backed out on being the ride i wasn't up for driving in Nashville or being surrounded by drunk smelly rednecks. But then Heather is crushed to hear, because she already bought her ticket.


At least we made it there ok. Because, honestly, Heather was in the passenger seat to tell me where to go. XD

I was having a lot of fun jumping around and singing along to millions of peaches, until aaall the drunk ass immature and fabulous residents of Tennessee started throwing their beer bottles all over the place. Most of them landing on the stage.

Holy moses it was raining beer.

I bet all the alcoholics where rejoicing. I was more like, " GD it!!"
Sorry I personally don't like being showered in Beer O.o Plus twice i was hit in the head. All this added to the fact that as soon as Newfound Glory was about to play it was so packed you couldn't hardly raise your arms.

By this time I was very much not having fun. But Heather was my responsibility so i stuck with her.

oh man. But here's where it's gets better. This guy starts talking to my sister and as soon as she tells him she's 17...Schwoop he slides to me. I'm being nice and replying and smiling and nodding trying to listen to the band. He's standing there telling me his life story and how nice i am and how i don't look like i weigh over 100 lbs. -_-

Then Tpayne gets on the stage. O goodie. I'm in love with a stripper playing while im in a packed crowd and there's a lonely and apparently horny guy pressed up behind me. I had to elbow him twice because he kept putting his hands on my hips and trying to grind with me. So now here I am in TWO of my most unfavorable situations. Tight spaces, and unwelcome touching. Oh BTW at this time 4 hours later it was still raining beer. I think every band that went up wanted to Kick Tennessee's ever loving ass.

I'm about to freak out so i tell heather that i seriously need to get out of there. She says she'll be fine and that she'll text me after every song to let me know she's ok. I agree and begin my attempt to get through the mass of sweat, beer, and half covered titties. The guy follows me!!

Faster Ana faster! I did what i call crowd diving. Use your imagination. Aaaand i lost him. Thank heavens i didn't see him for the rest of the night. Beat and aggravated I sat against a hill and laid back until the last band was done playing. Sit up and scratch my butt...why is there a card stuck to my pants..Mother$%&#*

I got off as much of the gum as i could, but I'm telling you it didn't help my mood any.

Heather and I decide to go to steak n shake in Antioch. We get there and she informs me her friend is going to meet us there. I figure why not.

Oh but he doesn't come alone. He brings 3 other friends with him. so I'm tired, grumpy, dirty, smelly, wanting to just go home, and I'm sitting in steak n shake watching 4 teen boys act like ass' and my sister take it. Check please.
One of them even suckered her into paying for his shake. I can't believe she did that.

I was so glad to get home and drop into bed T_T It was 1 am by this time.

No excitement for a while thanks guys. You might not see me for a long time.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I'm having one of the question the universe days

I'm no Monk nor am I a scholar, but I do my best to keep true to the extent of my intelligence. However, it is only my definition of intelligence that may present an issue. Can it be measurement of one's knowledge or common sense? Some may say wisdom. But what is wisdom but knowledge with understanding of that knowledge that only once realized is understood? Could intelligence simply be one's lack of ignorance added to having an open and analytical frame of mind? The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge and the faculty of thought and reason?
This is just one of the many pressing questions in my mind that I voice to create new questions in others. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing the concept and cosmos, but at least I'm not fazing out in front of the idiot box or out riding a hippie.

Through zeal knowledge is gotten, through lack of zeal knowledge is Lost. Right?

I'm cynical and literal and have quite recently become bitter to a point where nothing bothers me anymore. Anyone who has a problem with me can shove it up their flaccid assholes and suck monkey for all I care. I know I'm not perfect; neither are you so shut it.

I don't believe in fate, luck, or destiny. They're just objects people use as a fallout when they need something to blame or thank for the good/bad things that happen to them. Sorry people, but the sad fact is when shit hits the's only a reaction to a choice you've made, your lifestyle, or the people you surround yourself with. Let's not forget the fact that this world is in itself a big steaming pile of crap and even good people trip and get thrown face first into it.

I do however to believe in Karma to some extent. Because it is a fact that everything you do, good or bad, will in some way come back to you. Even if it's only in the form of a prosperous life, or personal demons. It's ok. You're not crazy. There's just a small chance you have a conscience.

But I digress.

Every truth, and every cleverly fabricated lie has stemmed from the human mind. I'm sure no other species in this known world gives a crap on the mating rituals of the Bat, or how a religious icon created the universe. Isn't it odd to you that everything we know is a conclusion created by us? How do we really know that What we know is an indisputable truth?

Hell, we can't even be sure of the things we Can control or predict. In the long run, nothing can be fully controlled or predicted. Or known.

So, we come up with the best conclusion we can? This is wrong, and this is right. This is how you should be, and this is how you shouldn't be. This is how the world was created....And this, is the Mating ritual of the Fruit Bat

Sunday, March 2, 2008

If Zazen were Campelle's soup

Most of you know me well enough to know I'm big on just sitting back and observing. This was a really good time to do that. Weekend trip to Atlanta for The Sesshin. With All of the smart and profound-like people I love so much, my fellow Buddhists. Zazen from Concentrate hahahaha.

I couldn't help but notice how repetitive everything is. During Darhma Talk and Tea everyone was saying the same thing over and over just in prettier words and different forms. It was saved by the randomly thrown-in humor courtesy of Brad and most often Mike Ellis. I'm not saying none of it was true or that any of it was meaningless. I just wonder if any of them realized that they may have sounded pensive but were in actuality just sub-consciously parroting what had just been said to them.

Had I been in Brad's or Mike's spot, I think I would have been perturbed that their repetition was causing me to be repetitive in return. Personally I hate repeating myself.

I think a Sesshin must be one of the easiest things to plan. You're not supposed to do anything but talk(rarely), eat, sleep, and sit. There's something very intriguing in that simplicity. And I make zazen sound easy to do. Hahahahahaha

It's so not.

Somewhere in there the tension in my shoulders caused something to happen to my windpipe and it felt like someone was choking me. I could breathe, but the pain that would accompany such a dilemma is what I'm talking about. My Ass hurts, my knees, my hips, and my back....But you get used to it, and it's all worth it. In this concentrated meditation you have this uninterrupted time to put everything into focus, dwell on it, and let it go. Which is something you don't get when going through daily life. Always being plagued by what's in front of us at the time.

One lesson that seemed to confront me in many forms this weekend is that nothing can be non-existent without existing in the first place. I.E.Without the existence of noise, there would be no silence. It's thanks to Zazen that I understand that age old question, "if a tree fell in a forest and no one was there to hear it fall, did it make any noise?" Regardless of how banal it is.

Anyway. There was a special guest. One Mr. Brad Warner Pictured in my slideshow on my Myspace Page, actually. An interesting character to observe I can tell you. One of those people I can look at for the first time and know something is bothering them and it's obvious only because they're trying not to be obvious. He gives himself little credit and doesn't fight to be heard. One example I can give is at the goodbye lunch. In a conversation he'd be about to say something and another would interrupt him. That defeated/acceptance expression steals over his face and in a split second he shrugs it off and turns to the other group, where he is immediately accepted into whatever plethora they're separately discussing. I can picture, however, that little person in his head that's screaming "WTF?? Rude much?" The looks and expressions that flutter over his face and behind his eyes when he thinks no one is looking...that mind must be a time bomb. Could be good or bad. We'll see.

I don't want to sound creepy or stalker-ish. Honestly. But i really wish I could have had more time to study him. After this though, I may just go and read his books again. I know that, for me at least, there are thoughts and ways of speaking I can put on paper easier than I can express or utter them.

So....*cough* on the way home...We were stuck on the highway, motionless, for quite some time...maybe moving a few feet every once and a while. I noticed there's a Chick-a-fillet headquarters down there, interesting. I took a lot of "lookie I'm bored" pictures if you can't tell from the slide show. After we got moving I sat in the back for a bit with my arm up just pushing the picture button. That's how I got the whoo hoo pic.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A chance to break tradition?

With all of the mockery that has been made toward Bush, more of us have taken a deeper look into politics. Whether it's a legitimate interest or the search for more Political toonage, America is involuntarily aware. It worked on me.

I believe that we have this fact to thank for giving Obama and Hilary the boost they needed to rise above this country's hold on tradition. "Middle aged White male required! Must be incompetent and high on himself and good paparazzi material. Apply in D.C." Doesn't seem to work anymore. He had a second chance, and he blew it. He blew it like a European crack whore. I'm sure he's genuinely a good person had good intentions but we know what they say about that.

The majority of of top running candidates, including Hilary and Obama, believe Iraq was a mistake. However, those two are the only ones who are all for a time release from Iraq. One thing they agree on, every one of them is against No child left behind.

Tid bits I learned from . It would be very helpful if you're having trouble deciding on who to vote for. I was just curious. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to vote. Before it was slapped in my face how screwed we might be I had no interest whatsoever in Politics. Deciding the next leader will be easier for me when I'm going in positive of where I stand and Why I'm standing there. So I'm saying to all of you who share a position in this generation to care. No, I say it to everyone. And not in the " oh yeah, I'm totally into politics too" way where you just spout something you heard on the radio while switching channels. Or what you saw on So-and-so's rival bashing commercial.

Research. So much can come from knowing whats going on around you. And next time you take a genuine interest, hopefully it won't be influenced by something as banal as Bush beat boxing. Putting Hilary or Obama in the White House may be a change in tradition, but will it be any different than having someone else in there? You can be black or white, male or female, and still be a pompous retard with a road to disaster ahead of you.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I wanted to give you my heart...please don't puke

"Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative shallow interpretation of romance day"(BMAV)... ah, the profound emotions it doth evoke. Couples holding hands, candlelight dinners, the exchange of flowers and heart shaped boxes of chocloate candy, laughter, joy, love, love, love; all this coupled with the impending spring thaw.
It's enough to make a free thinking individual want to bang her head on a brick wall.

You may hate Valentine's Day. Every year you distort your face in disgust when your eyes fall on the center of your February calendar. Every year you glare in contempt and hatred at a day created to show that special loved one just how much you care, while leaving those who are not in the throes of love to feel downright inadequate, rejected, and unloved . And everyone out there who are lucky enough to have companionship are all too aware that not recognizing this day will result in contempt and resentment from your significant other.

V-day can suck or be something to look forward to depending on who you are. Everyone runs around frothing, proclaiming their love and pledging their eternal allegiance to one another. Sometimes spending outragous amounts of money. Allthough I feel if someone truly cared about you, I think you'd hear it more often than once a year. And without it having to be presented with a heart shaped cardboard box picked up from CVS filled with cheap chocolates made with axiphlorotonic blabbity and other such unnamable plethera. This will supposedly cover all wrong doings and neglections in the relationship with one stone, leaving the giver allieved of all sins committed within the past year. Relationship baptisism.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a single young woman bent on giving grief to everyone else who is dating. I'm a stark realist. And I wont hate on those of you who love this commercial holiday( that we don't even get off....>_> ) I can admit I'm sometimes envious of you. But I want someone to tell me if I'm loved of their own volition, not because some fabricated greeting card holiday sponsored by Hallmark compels them.
Hahaha I remember the last time someone gave me a box of was like Russian Roulette eating them....For those of you who don't know, I'm allergic to coconut.

According to history, St. Valentine was a martyr in 270 A.D. . A roman emperor had decided that single men make better soldiers than those with wives and families. In response to this conclusion he forbid young men to be married. A priest named Valentine dissagreed and supposedly conducted marriages in secret. Of course when he was discovered he was sentenced to death. Many reasons for the reason it's on Feb. 14 are tossed around in history but it wasn't declared a holiday until 498 A.D. It's believed the priest sent the first valentine. The rumor was that he had fallen in love with his jailer's daughter and wrote her a love note signed "from your Valentine".
Now that's a common phrase still used today in greeting cards that accompany the afore mentioned lard candies. Some one billion cards are sent every year for V-day, only rivaling Christmas with it's own number of 2.6 billion. Here we can thank the christians/chatholics etc. for yet another commercialized hooplah holiday to have fun with.
So it's your choice then. You can make this coming day something beautiful and long-term, or let it pass, it's your choice. Don't let my cynical interpretation get you down. Hahahaha

Monday, January 28, 2008

Well said my masked friend. You are most trustworthy

I am an agent of secrecy apparently. So many times, for no obvious reason, someone will just sit with me and let out all the things they've been keeping in about the people around them.
I.E. I'll sit with person A who tells me everything they abhor about person B. Then the next day when person B gets a moment with me, person A is the subject of batter. As if they're a saint, and are all unknowing of how much the other person despises them they go on and on about said faults. And of course when I see both subjects together, they interact with one another as if none of those negative opinions harbored against the other exist.
Sometimes this circle of badgery goes on between 3 or more people; and I can safely say that I'm glad I don't bother trying to keep up with who hates who. I honestly don't care what they think about so-and-so's talking habbit or this other guys arbitrary perverse language. But it seems it helps them to have someone to just sit and listen. Like sharing it with someone can somehow lessen the guilt at knowing that the next time you see the one you're knocking down, you'll smile and nod.
I myself keep secrets. Everyone does and everyone knows that everyone does. Yet it's still so disturbing to hear them from your neighbors own mouth. I know things that could destroy friendships, lives. I have no intention of doing either. I learn from what I hear.
I learn that everyone is a Hypocryte and most of them aren't even aware of it. It's not an overused statement when I quote "we all wear masks" . It's just true. We hide behind what we're most comfortable with. And it's only occassionally, when I sit and listen, are those masks stripped away.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Murderers of a faith

This is what has bred from mankind and it's so called christian faith.

Rev. Phelps of WBC.

This picture on the right of the american flag being stepped on is sported on his very own web page.

I'm sure many have heard of him as the infamous retard that has been picketing Soldiers' funerals. He preaches that God is the enemy of America. In 1991, WBC took their ministry to the streets, conducting over 34,000 demonstrations (to date) opposing (quote)"the fag lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth. " He believes that we have turned the country over to the gay community and it is causing God's wrath in Iraq.

The only enemy of america is This immoral Hypocryte and others like him, and the only cause of the numerous deaths in Iraq can be pinpointed to the Incompitent ass's that squat in D.C.

I can't even begin to measure the level of passionate anger that forms in me with just a moments gander at the WBC website. It has to be some of the most Ridiculous Drivel I have ever seen.

One Just one fucking "christain" needs to give me a good and legitimate reason why homosexuality is bad without using the bible or any other form of religion as a crutch for their argument.

And now These sorry excuses for human beings are planning on Picketing Heath Ledger's Funeral! Including any other memorial services. Signs to be held including the phrase "Brokeback Fag in Hell" You can find the Blog on their site voicing their view on the matter. Stating such bullshit as "Read our lips: HEATH LEDGER IS IN HELL! Nothing else about his life or death matters."
It's just downright disrespectful.

As the one who brought this to my attention said, "They give christians a bad name"

That in part is true, but sadly christians and Catholics alike have been giving themselves a bad name since the cruisades. These Pompous Dicks just aren't helping.

You see? This is what madness the world refuses to seriously recognize. Our own supreme court gives WBC a pat on the wrist and thinks it's done a sufficient duty. Maybe if we told them Phelps was hiding weapons of mass destruction they would pull the paddle out of their flacid assholes.

This in itself is one of those moments when I'm so Livid I can hardly get out what I want to say, regardless of the fact that a seemingly endless assault of furious ranting is beating me up to get out. The KKK and now these people. I can't handle it anymore.

Good Job America. I salute you as you sink in the quicksand trap you've created for yourself. May your God and all he has "influenced" keep you until you breath your last frigid breath.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

There isn't much

Before I start posting I feel i should share a small part of me with you.

There really isn't a whole lot to be told about me. And there isn't much you would hear about me either. I'm a very reserved person who has, for many years, kept a low profile. I only speak when spoken to unless I feel my opinion should be added for the sake of argument(which is rare). This has resulted in my lacking of a social life. I've also found that I have far more to say in written word than I ever have verbally. As I normally put it, "I have no time to attempt to be heard when it's futile, but I have all the time in the world for a curious mind."

You see, if you've gone this far, you do indeed have a curious mind. So by all means, stop by again some time. :D